Guilty....

I love being a mom. I absolutely adore it. But some things that have come along with it are not so fun. The most unpleasant being the added measure of guilt I feel over EVERYTHING. If it's been a little too long since a diaper change: Guilty. If I let Easton fuss a little bit more than I "should": Guilty. If I don't pay constant attention to him while he's awake: Guilty. Holding him to put him to sleep: Guilty. And my newest guilt companion: Considering using formula. I have been pumping exclusively since Easton was about 2 weeks old. It is important to me that my son has the very best nutrition and naturally, that means giving him breast milk. However, nursing wasn't our strong point and I'm over the desire to overcome those hardships. So, I've been toting around my pump and giving it my all for 9 weeks now. I'll admit that at first this seemed like a workable solution. I set the goal to give him breastmilk for atleast six months. I'm almost halfway there. It may seem like a short time to someone else. Just a wrinkle in time, right? If you think pumping or nursing is not hard, you can come over and let me give you titty twisters constantly for atleast 15 minutes several times a day and then you would know what it's like to be me. Besides the discomfort, it's very inconvenient. When nursing, you can find somewhere to sit just about anywhere and do the deed. Not with pumping. I don't like planning my day around the need to pump or being forced to lug the machine around with me and pray that I'll be able to find a place to plug in. So, due to my growing hate of pumping, I'm considering putting Easton on formula. Ugh. Even writing it down floods me with guilt. I know that formula is very well made and is still very nutritious. But I think any mother who has breastfed will agree that there are benefits beyond measure that formula can never give. Not only is breast milk healthier-- it is also FREE. I can't believe I'm about to pay $25 bucks for a can of something that my body makes a better version of. I'm not going to go into a pro-milk rant here, because it's useless and will only make me feel more guilty. I'm on the fence. Is it so wrong for a mommy to be a little selfish with her body and time? Should I just live with my own discomfort to provide for Easton? Who knows? I feel like such a wimp when I read or hear about moms who pumped or nursed for a year (or for more than 11 weeks for that matter.) Why should one be expected to enjoy depending on a machine to provide the natural comforts of not having rock hard boobs and milk soaked shirts? I may as well change my name to Bessy and move to a dairy. I feel so sad for all those sweet dairy cows who have to put up with being milked for years and years, so that we can have a drink. Perhaps subconsciously this is why I've never drank milk. I always knew it was cruel deep down. I'm exaggerating of course, but still... Anyhow, none of this rambling solves my dilemma. To milk or not to milk? That IS the question.....I guess I'll figure it out later. I have to go pump now......